Soak’s V-Day Quiz
by Rick Cipes, Cartoon by Bobby 'Digi'Chiu
In love, everything does not come up roses. We have cacti, weeds, shrubbery, and many other forms of plant life that don’t necessarily smell that good. But on one day a year we cut all the reeky ones away in order for the roses to bloom.
Welcome to St. Valentine’s Day. A date whose history is shrouded in more mystery than anything Geraldo Rivera is trying to dig up at this very moment (mothers, hide your firstborn hermaphrodites).
What’s not shrouded in mystery is the role a man must play on V-Day. If he doesn’t plan on being “home alone guy with Playstation,” chances are, he’ll be trying to impersonate the latest Knight-in-Shining-Armor. Or, as he’s known in today’s ass-kissing-celebrity world: Antonio Banderas or George Clooney.
Sucks to be us. Normal guys trying to live up to an unattainable status attainable only by Antonio Banderas or George Clooney. Sure, the belief is that they’re cut from a different cloth. But a little secret from someone who’s had the misfortune to live in the city that spawns their kind: underneath their good looks, hot duds, and million dollar price tags, Ant and Geo are the same as every other fucking actor in the biz – insecure and neurotic. “Mommy!”
Okay, so I guess we’re clear we don’t need to pretend to be Ant or Geo on Valentine’s Day. Sooooooo, how about we go for: honest-to-goodness real men? Because it’s the real men who must do things in life that celluloid heroes wouldn’t attempt in a gazillion sequels. No, not to actually have to jerk themselves off, but to read Soak’s Valentine’s Day Quiz. Because don’t you want the pains of prepping for V-Day to be far less than all the perfectly coifed hairs on George Clooney’s head?
1. When planning for Valentine’s Day it’s best to consult:
(a)Any asinine book with Venus and Mars in the title.
(b)Your Uncle Ernie – who hasn’t gotten a grab since the Cubbies won the series.
(c)Your best friend – who wants to sabotage you. Because he is that home alone guy with Playstation.
2. As you budget your date the most important thing to take into consideration is:
(a)If you shoot your wad for the month, will the bookie let you live?
(b)Do I actually give two craps about this person? (Hint: If you’re just trying to find her landing strip for a one-time layover, save your cashola and choose the cheap route – Taco Bell, a bottle of Boone’s Farm, and a mattress in the back of your pickup truck.)
(c)If getting a hooker for the night is the least expensive way to go.
3. Once you’ve been planning so long that you forgot to leave time to find a date, it would be best to:
(a)Think heavily about the hooker option.
(b)Plan a business trip in a lonely hotel room equipped with Spank-O-Vision. (But at least your pals would know that if you were in town, you could have easily gotten a date.)
(c)See if your cousin wants to go for a spin around the trailer park. We hear she’s kinda hot!
4. In preparation to go out on your date you should:
(a) Pop a Xanax so her “way hottieness” doesn’t cause Mr. Happy to blow before the main course.
(b) Shave everywhere you expect your date to kiss. That includes Mr. Hairy Sack.
(c) Not think you’re getting Mr. Hairy Sack kissed. Remember: when you want something too badly…stop being sacrilegious!
5. When picking her up (in a limo preferably. Preferable only by her):
(a) Call her once from your cell phone. If that doesn’t work, honk the horn twice. If once, twice, three times a lady fails, tell the limo driver you think Lionel Richie is gay anyway and you’ll give him an extra 20 if he gives your date a piggyback ride to the car.
(b) Ask to visit the little boys room before you go – only so you can check the medicine cabinet and see if she’s on the pill (men + condoms = pass).
(c) Make the grandest entrance possible. First impressions are everything. And when they’re not, you were probably drunk.
6. Before dinner:
(a) Take her somewhere to get her in the mood: a sunset, a drive along the aqueduct, Harry Carey’s gravesite…
(b) Eyes on the road. Pedal to the medal. Your favorite Yanni tunes.
(c) Let her know that sky’s the limit; anything she wants on the menu is hers – as long as it’s on the left side under: “appetizer.”
7. While dining:
(a) Take charge and show her your skill right away – begin by displaying how well you order “agua” from the nearest illegal alien.
(b) Give the waiter a little wink that lets him know if he flirts with your girl again you’ll put him out of the running for the latest Aaron Spelling pilot – with a swift butter knife to the cheekbone.
(c) Remember: there’s a time for food and a time for sex. Can you guess which this is? (Remove hand from panties and DO NOT ask the waiter if he wants to smell your finger.)
8. After dinner:
(a) Try to sway your date from ordering the triple-shot-soy-foam-latte. The nighttime is not the right time to be cleaning the pipes.
(b) Call “Shotgun!” and see if she bites on a race to the car.
(c) In an effort to erase the earlier comment about how much like your mother she looks, let her know she was: “by far the chick with the hottest rack in the joint.”
9. When it’s time for romance:
(a) Candles, incense, and rose petals leading straight to her heart. Once she’s sprung, give cue to strippers: “Come out, come out, wherever you are.”
(b) Keep in mind that V-Day may not be the most appropriate time to break out the kink (you like to wear panties endorsed by Marv Albert).
(c) Think simple. If you were a woman being wooed by yourself, what would make you feel special – other than the part where you go home and watch Sportscenter and get high?
10. When dropping her off (or kicking her out in the morning):
(a) Inform her the next date will consist of take-out food and an all night marathon of Jean-Claude Van Damme films.
(b) If no ACTION has occurred up to this point, try a line from the infamous 1985 movie Fraternity Vacation: “Then I guess a blowjob in the parking lot is out of the question?”
(c) Let her know you’d love to walk her to her door (if you could get the BJ), but your car stalls out when it goes under 10 mph. How did she do in the long jump in high school, anyway?
Now it’s your turn to leap, lover. Get on out there and plan the best Valentine’s Day she’s ever had. So you can get it over with and get back to being a lazy prick for another 364 days. Boo-yah.
Rick Cipes has wooed many a brave woman, fought many a brave men, and wouldn’t be caught dead listening to a Yanni tune. Check out his website: www.comedyave.com
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