Danger Dave
Chappelle's Show "Cracks" Us Up
by Rick Cipes
Look! Up on the boob tube! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! Naw, stopping looking whiteys, black folk can’t fly. And actor/comedian Dave Chappelle would be the first one to tell you that. Then he’d probably turn around and say what a honky-ass-pussy Superman was. And that the only way black people can fly is by drinking his faux-soft drink “Red Balls,” with its chief ingredient: crack cocaine. “It gives me wings,” screams a giddy Tyrone Biggums, one of Chappelle’s stock characters. It also gives him extrasensory superhero perception – all the better for stealing a car stereo from a white woman while her baby cries in the backseat. Yes, DC likes to buzz around the fringes of racism in his humor: whether he’s paying tribute to Father Knows Best with his own The Niggar Family, or springing tough questions on his guests in the game show: I Know Black People. With the second season of his Comedy Central show in reruns, Soak decided it was high-time to spring some tough questions on The Man himself.
SOAK: Okay, are you sitting down?
DC: Yeah.
SOAK: We’re gonna start with a real serious one.
DC: OK.
SOAK: If the Nutty Professor got his nuts caught in his zipper and you were the only one around to lend him a hand…
DC: (laughs) If the Nutty Professor got his nuts caught in his zipper and I was the only one around to lend a hand. Hmm. That depends. Was there anyone watching?
SOAK: Ah, no.
DC: I’m going to have to think about that one and get back to you then.
SOAK: If you could be any white man on earth, who would it be?
DC: Eminem.
SOAK: Why?
DC: Because he’s cool. He raps and stuff.
SOAK: If you were as hairy as Robin Williams what would you do?
DC: Oh man…I’d cover my penis with a shower cap and dip my body in Nair.
SOAK: Nominate your favorite black man for president and, with you as VP, tell us what you’d stand for.
DC: President Eddie Murphy and I would most definitely run on the Pussy Platform.
SOAK: And as VP, do you think it would be a good idea to take Viagra on the moon?
DC: No, that’s a bad idea. Because, unless there’s pussy on the moon, you’d be fucking a crater or something.
SOAK: At what age did you start masturbating?
DC: Let’s see, I was 12. And I did it with an Amway catalogue. And then I found Playboy. Because I just fell I love with the articles.
SOAK: If you could Def Comedy Jam one hot babe…
DC: Ah, Oprah?
SOAK: Why would someone get half-baked when they can get all the way baked?
DC: I don’t know. It’s important to do?
SOAK: Do you make money off of Ben & Jerry’s Half-Baked ice cream?
DC: I wish.
SOAK: Speaking of baking, what drug would you like to slip President Bush, and what would you do to him once he was under the influence?
DC: It would have to be: Zoloft. And I’d have him as a musical guest on my show. He could play the drums.
SOAK: And what if Saddam Hussein wanted to be a musical guest?
DC: Hmm. I’d probably have Saddam Hussein…singing Cisco’s Thong Song while wearing a thong.
SOAK: If you could be any one of the Seven Dwarfs, which one would it be and how would you turn Snow White black?
DC: If I could be one of the Seven Dwarfs…hmm. Sleepy. Or Dopey. How would I turn Snow White black?
SOAK: Right.
DC: I’d take away her health care benefits.
SOAK: Fill in the blank: Black men have smaller __________.
DC: Health care benefits.
SOAK: Why can’t Michael Jackson pronounce the word “racism?”
DC: Because he’s cleverly disguised himself.
SOAK: What was the worst comedy experience you ever had?
DC: I got booed off the stage at the Apollo when I was 15 – with my mom in the audience.
SOAK: On your website it says you’re the funniest man alive. Who’s the funniest stiff?
DC: Red Foxx.
SOAK: How do you want to die?
DC: Happy and painless. Why?
SOAK: If you were in charge of mixing the final cocktail at a cult picnic, what would it be in Starbuckian language?
DC: A grande-kool-aid macchiato.
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